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rants

day 6 [09:43 am | 23rd November 2018] i have been feeling afraid

i have been feeling afraid, living with an irrational fear since the last three-four days. its interesting for me to observe how this irrational fear of mine, so often convinces my mind and heart that it is not irrational at all.

rational and irrational, lately i have discovered for my personal self that this is one of biggest fears and writing here, is a way/a mechanism for me to become more aware of this fear, of this feeling of being left out alone- it leaves me feeling very scared.

i think, i kind of know, where this fear sprouts from. i would not say, i know the roots of it or perhaps, may be i do know exactly where it all starts from and that space is so colored and filled with madness that i am afraid to enter it myself, to talk about it openly and accept it.

though, as i was saying (sorry, i got distracted) that i have seen this fear growing over the years and becoming a larger part of me. the first memory i have of it is when i was in first standard, it was lunch time. i was barely six-seven years old, wearing red shorts and a white shirt with angels embroidered over my chest pocket. i was barely six-seven years old then and awfully quiet. i am afraid of becoming that awfully quiet again.

i am glad that i am writing, it is important for me to keep writing. it allows me to be free in my thoughts.

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