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rants

my devil companion

its has been long that i have written anything here. i know on most of the days i have started writing by saying that it has been long. it has been. it is always long enough. with the number of days, that i don’t write- there are parts within which dry away like autumn leaves and die, get crushed underneath shoes of men and women who fail to notice my withering heart.

oh, tanzim, isn’t it overwhelming?

i visited a therapist for a first time today and she told me that i get overwhelmed easily. may be, i do. i do.

sometimes, i feel it’s just the writer within me who like to exaggerate things. (not too sure about it anymore)

oh, by the way, she called you my devil companion. are you evil, tanzim? because i thought you are the way you are because of the love you have not received. because of big big big void which surfaces within you and on you, on your skin and makes you so powerful and yet feel like nothingness. nothingness can be powerful.

my father told me so, when he came to visit me in the city. he told me this story about nothingness and one man’s belief in it. osho also believed and prophesed about nothingness. i also believe in nothingness. nothingness is everything and everything is nothing and that is why it can be all so overwhelming.

you do get it, tanzim? don’t you?

all of this.

may be, i should not talk to you. but i am always talking to you. i know you hide and mask yourself in different faces all day long and keep talking to me as friends, family and lovers who i wish were there.

i am not saying they are not there, they are there. they are always there. and, i am very greatful for that.

though, my heart always longs for more. always.

i am listening to “somewhere only we know” by kean.

i should start learning a music instrument, i have been wanting to. for years now.

i wanted to learn a lot of music instruments, i don’t know where to begin from. also, i am unsure if i have the required perisistence to learn a music instrument.

but i should try, right? there is no harm trying.

i’ve become so afraid, tanzim and i don’t even know afraid of what.

i know, what i’ve become afraid of but its difficult to accept it- my illness. i did not think it would turn out to be like this.

so lonely.

often movies like “fault in our stars” have shown chronic illnesses to be romantic and beautiful.

its not, you should not wish for it. you should not wish for it. its loney and hard.

though, if you are willing to be strong, you will rise through it. you’ll put up a smile on your face and live again.

you’ll live because there is nothing like living and death is death.

you’ll live.

 

 

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