I feel terribly lost at the moment, I am staying back in the office today as there is no water here and someone needs to stay back to fill water. Water comes here only twice a day, and at timings when two of us are not in the office.
It runs from 6-8, AM & PM. And, we mostly work from 11 AM to 5 PM.
It’s not that we are not working in the other hours of the day. We just mutually decided that we should work from 11 AM to 5PM in office and the rest of the time we are working from home. It’s fun working.
However, it gets lonely. Lonely and scary. And, to be honest, there is nothing in particular that makes me feel that way. Everything just aggravates, sort of magnifies at times for me. And especially the negative experiences which happen on a day to day basis. I think with my physical immunity, even my mental immunity has diminished to a great extent. I feel so tired within, with everything that I have dealt with in the last one and a half years. It has been a lot and I think I am still processing it. Still figuring it out. I think that’s what we all are doing but still.
To be honest, I am still proud of myself. I am grateful for where I am in a lot of ways. Yes, it is very heavy. The weight of things of the past and worries of the future together. It indeed puts me down sometimes, actually most of the times these days.
I am glad that I am writing here. It makes me feel better. It makes me feel heard.
Today, in my therapy session, I was telling my therapist how during my undergraduate years, I used to tell my friends that one should not care about the “ifs” and “buts” of life. We should just enjoy the present moment we are living in.
I know its a cliche. Sometimes the most cliched and most simple things are the most important ones to practice.
I really fail to reflect on which part of my journey in the last one and a half years I forgot living joyfully. I don’t know in which part I forgot enjoying myself, and doing things which will make me smile and also focus on them throughout the day.
This reminds me of something, when I was in high school, every evening I would take the tempo and go to Mc Donalds. I would study there, read and be inspired, be in awe of life around me. And, after everything, I would eat my chocolate ice cream. That would make me so happy, that ice cream. And talking to the kids from the slums.
Now, such little moments of joy and happiness still exist in my life. They keep appearing once and again but I fail to focus on it now. In fact, I feel afraid to rethink of those moments. As if, there is a bully next to me who will steal those moments from me. I really do feel that way, so afraid. I was about to leave from this space, shut the laptop and not think about the good that happened to me today. Because I am afraid that there is someone sitting here or someone would come who would steal everything from me.
(Reassuring myself: No one is here and no one will still anything from me)
You know, I cannot even tell this to any (few) people I consider my friends because I think that they will think and tell “Pagal hai kya?” “Are you mad?” in a teasing manner.
And, I would smile and say “Shayad”. “Maybe”.
I am stuck in such a rut. I am stigmatizing my own emotions.
They say (mostly wellwishers) that if you don’t respect your own feelings if you don’t love yourself. How will others? They are not wrong, I believe in them. But to tell you, honestly, sometimes it is extraordinarily difficult to love myself. To just breathe.
In May 2019, I was in a Goa and I attended this gathering of artists at the Beyond Nomad hostel.
After the event, as we were chatting this girl I met said something to me and she gave words to a lot of my feelings. She said, “sometimes she wishes someone could teach her how to breathe”.
Yes, it gets that bad, that suffocating, that congested inside the walls of our colourful society. It gets difficult to breathe, it is difficult to breathe right now as I have led myself back into that array of emotions and I want to Breakfree.
B R E A T H E
I am looking at the clock now, it’s 7:22 PM. As I told you, at the beginning of this rant – I am waiting here in the office to fill water. I am not sure if it will be filled completed. At times it takes complete two hours, you know.
And constantly imagining in a scared of mind, an encounter with the landlords who just live above the office. I really don’t want to cross their paths. See, this is what I was talking about. My fears getting magnified. Appearing monstrous in the mirror of perception of my eyes. I am not afraid of anyone. I have no reasons to be afraid of anyone.
Trust me, I do not have much believe in the last two sentences I have written above. I am not sure. I feel shit scared. For no good reason all the time.
Anyway. Actually, no. Not anyway.
My therapist also told me today that my MI (Mental Illness) is not ME. She says its anxiety. I don’t know what it is. But well, I should stop treating myself like shit. All of this is fucking natural. I am not putting myself through this. I think that someone will think, I am putting myself through all of this deliberately but I am not. I really am not.
(I will just go and check, if we have water or not)
So I went and checked and still there is no water. Now that is annoying.
I told my friend about it and also formed a stupid logic of why the water is not filling up in our tank. Well, yeah.
And, I feel constantly scared also that there is someone outside. Checking up on something or on me. (Closing my eyes and typing, argghhh)
You know, I had thought that I will go out and have pani puri. I am still very tempted to go and have it. And, I also would like to go to McDonalds and have the ice cream I mentioned. Not sure if I will go for the ice cream though, because I don’t know where McDonalds is.
Interestingly, my horoscope for today is telling me to leave work and not complete it in an obsessive-compulsive manner.
(I will go, check up on water again.)
And, the water is still not there. Should I leave now?
Or should I wait for 15 more minutes? It’s unlikely that sitting here for 15 more minutes will bring in water. But well, it is what it is. I don’t even know what I mean by that. So, don’t ask.
Did I tell you, that my friend might have to leave tomorrow to our hometown. Most likely they will. And guess, what again for days I will not have any human presence in my life. Not much of human interaction I mean. Because you know, blah blah blah.
I am going now. Enough.