13th July 2019

i have not been happy in a long while, in a long long while. i don’t even know how long it has been. i fail to recollect any happy memories from my past years on planet earth.i also am thinking, that that might not really be true. not having any happy memories. if i look back, slowly and tread very slowly behind i can pick up these small small moments from the past months and years, when i currently feel and look at those moments of past as happy, happy moments of life.i don’t know what happiness is, its been a very very long time that i have thought about it. in between the rush and struggles of an ordinary life, i have let the optimist within me die silently. quietly, a slow death with all the circumstances which in the last one and a half year have seemed extraordinary to me. so overwhelming, everything that has come way.i was telling my therapist about this, how i felt like ending my life in tenth standard. it was a very strong feeling and among other ways, i acted on it in a funny fashion when i kept running my cycle continuously for kilometres, found a small bridge on the national highway and went underneath. i cried, cried and cried a lot that evening and after releasing all that was filling in. i felt good, i felt great and i felt i want to keep living and life is beautiful.(i am distracted right now, my parents have come over to the city i live in.)i am listening to across the universe by the beatles.okay, so yeah.do you remember where i was? what was i thinking?i think a lot many, a lot many things and all at the same time. sometimes my brain even speed crashes and then there is no real reboot i know, it happens slowly. the reboot.i have been crying a little, lately. feeling very very scared of random things. its real difficult for me to express this fear to anyone. like they ask me, what i am scared of. and, what i am scared of isn’t a huge monster often on the surface but when i look at it, it feels and looks like a huge huge sea monster.(i got real angry with mumma, because she turned the cooler her side and i said “hum insaan nahi hai kya?” “are we not humans”. it was a rhetorical question.) (i am just mostly disappointed in them, most of the times.) (its interesting, how i only express my anger towards those who are very close to me, willingly or unwillingly-they are close.)oh, dear.see, its just happening all the time. my brain speed crashing. slow down, why don’t you? (me to me)this overwhelming feeling right now feels like a rope inside my stomach and as if someone is trying to pull something out of me.i was telling you about huge green ugly sea monster, so the last three days i have spent in so much fear. it was very difficult. i could not get out of my bed. i felt so scared. the whole thing dint turn out to as scary as i made it out to be, in my head.you know, what i feel the most scared and hurt about is being alone. i go on days at times without any interaction at all. i cannot really even call or text anyone because well, everyone has their vessels full. and no one calls me, sometimes they do. those days are really nice.i have had a really low self esteem all my life, you know. i have been a shy kid. and i feel, inside of me that its all my fault, the way i am and the way my life. its because i lack something, because i am not good enough.i should google this. this feeling of learned helplessness. its so internal to me. (my therapist told me about the phrase “learned helplessness”.my therapist also told me that my mi i.e. mental illness is not me. that somehow makes me feel special. knowing that i am better than what i think of myself.because i feel most of the times i behave like a pushover.well,yeah.i am just glad that i am writing.xx

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