i am not sure about the timeline, as in when this started but off late – for many many many years. this has been going on. these cycles of instant gratification. the cycle of constantly chasing something, constantly trying to be somewhere and fighting with your inner self.
the cycles of instant gratifaction make me a lonely person, make me anxious – all the time. i’ve tasted the joy of being here, of awareness a few times in my life and i feel such a douche in this moment for not being able to practice it.
i was able to continue practicing at least my bare minimum breathing practice, but with the onset on our dear covid19 – i lost its practice. i feel upset from within for not being able to practice it.
up until 2019 i used to label myself as an agnostic and then from the second half of 2019, some events happened in mylife i started believing. i started believing in god. not in the idea of god, but in consciousness, in the breath by breath awareness of my being. i experienced god, by looking within. to be honest, if you are reading this and have read till this point and if you are a non-believer, i don’t really expect you to start believing. its ok to not believe.
last years, the ten days i spent learning and practicing vipassana had such a positive impact on my life. i had planned to attend the course again this year. i am upset that i could not attend it. from this moment onwards, i will try to practice mindfulness and gratefullness.
past two to three weeks, i also started started dieting after a friend insisted on it. dieting as a way of detox. it has been wonderful. i have been failing at it since past five days though. 🙁
when i was writing about the change, the transformation in my belief – my intention was not to question/discuss any belief system. i am just here trying to express.
i have been going through a loss of sorts, or we can say, coming out of a mirage – a beautiful one. sometimes, when you are thirsty and let go of your guard, the mirage becomes so beautiful, so real. and then, one day all of sudden – you cannot see it anymore, as if it never existed, may be it never did.
it’s important to grieve though, it is perfectly alright to take a step back and let it settle. it is okay.
note to self: don’t look for instant gratifications, allow yourself to feel what you are feeling
song i am listening to right now: baarishein by anuv jain