i surrender

i have been trying to breathe but it seems like there is no more fresh air to breathe, my lungs gasp. seeking for a fresh breath, fighting anxiety.yes, you are right-there is no need to fight and yet, i fight. i fight and fight and fight. it’s tiring to be this way to be honest, as i am consumed by own self. it started last week and it’s going on. unexpectedly. i had thought that the beginning of this week, things might get better. but it does not. the hole in my heart gets deeper and deeper. nights are lonely and desperately empty, in search of pleasure and love. days go into stitching things together, making ends meet and nights. nights are like my angry mistresses, i keep trying to please them and they keep running farther away. i should have slept by now but i could not. it feels lonely and loneliness makes me feel scared. you know what the funny thing is, if you can read the anxiety in my words, it’s me chasing my thoughts. running behind them, hungrily. and the moment i stop, i surrender – i find my peace. i find my peace as soon as i stop looking for it outside of me.

i surrender.

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