my own bully

i am a good boy,
i will tell you a story today,
about the ying and yang,
about the parts of me – which keep fighting within,
about tanzim and me – about the bully and the victim.

yes, i was bullied
once,in school – at the basketball court,
i was beaten up, left of the floor,
in tears and i met my bully again,
at a party – i keep meeting him,
once a year – i want to tell him,
i am not angry at him,i am not.
but, i want to tell him that,
he turned me to a bully – now i have become my own bully.

i keep bullying the young tanzim,
asking him to always be good,
to listen to me – to be good,
to come to meetings on time,
to be good – i ask him to be good.

because, now i have to be my own bully,
because, i think you are afraid of me,
isn’t that why you had beaten me up?

that day in the winter of 2011,
at the basketball court because you were mad at me.

but don’t you worry, friend,
now you don’t have to do that anymore – i do your job for you,
i have become my own bully, i keep bullying tanzim.

i ask him to be goodie good,
i ask tanzim to always be nice,
even if it hurts,
i ask tanzim to never tell how he feels because,
if he does – i will get mad.

and you cannot handle my madness,
you cannot handle me,
i am not everyone’s cup of tea,
i am a drama queen,
i am pandora box – which when opened,
leaves you at a loss of words when you see me.
so do you think,
you can love me,
if i stop asking tanzim to be goodie good

so do you think, you can love me, if i show you my scars?

you think can love me?

if i try telling you about the night i ran from home on my bicycle
or about the night when i tried killing myself

you think you can love all of me?


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