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keep holding on

i met d at the gym today, he was in my school. it’s been ten years and i dint expect him to remember me. he left school in ninth grade i think and i have never seen him around after that and i never thought of him. but he remembered me.

at the gym, when i first saw him i dint know if i should say hi. most people who i think i know, dont know me. i exist as a wallflower really and in one of my recent sessions with my therapists, i was telling them about this feeling. about being “not seen enough” in my relationships. about feeling dispensible in my relationships.

as years pass through my body, i have come to realize that a lot of conflict which seems external, is arising from my inner world and therefore, damaging the route in between the two.

d brought me here to this space, he asked me if i still write. i told him not really and he said dont give up on your hobbies. my eleventh grade english teacher also said the same thing.

and the truth is i have given up on writing, i have given up on myself. writing saved me in my teenage years and it keeps saving me from time to time.

sometimes i want to give up, many a times in a day to be honest. but i have stopped listening to that voice. i am confused.e. i am not saying i have given up on me, i am evolving. i am falling in love with new things, i am learning.

there is joy in losing, i am no one and nothing. i am consciousness through which time is passing by. i abhor this joy because i want to be someone. i want to be seen.

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